


i bloom just for you

by lostnthedream (falloutangel)



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Descriptions of Blood, Friendship, Hanahaki Disease, M/M, showki are best friends, this is sad im sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-07
Updated: 2019-06-03
Packaged: 2019-11-13 06:26:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 16,282
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18026477
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/falloutangel/pseuds/lostnthedream
Summary: When they got married, Minhyuk promised Kihyun forever.Forever means nothing when blood red sunflowers fall from his mouth.





	1. Stage 1

Guitar case in hand, the cold air bites at Kihyun’s unprotected fingers as he half jogs across the street to his work.

 

Pulling the door open, he walks into the corner cafe, sighing in relief as the warm coffee scented atmosphere wraps around him. Jooheon stands at the register ringing up a customer and Changkyun is wiping down tables, a couple of tables are occupied, but early afternoon is a relatively slow time during their day. The big attraction is tonight. He walks by the small platform and mic stand that they’ve set up for the cafe open mic night and slips behind the counter, into the backroom. The sight of the small platform sends nerves running through his body.

 

He’s singing here for the first time tonight.

 

Minhyuk used to always push him to do stuff like this, saying that it could be just like how they met back in college - with Kihyun on a small stage and Minhyuk sitting captivated by his voice.  

 

Kihyun would always laugh him off, letting those days fade behind him, but Minhyuk has been distant lately. He comes home late and his touches on Kihyun’s body are faint, like he’s barely there. He thought maybe he should listen to Minhyuk’s old comments, and remind him of where they started. Minhyuk seemed happy for him when he told him, last night standing in the door as Kihyun practiced.

 

_ “You’re going to do great tomorrow,” he said, coming over to sit next to Kihyun.  _

 

_ Kihyun smiled bashfully, the praise warming him inside out. “You’ll be there, right?” _

 

_ “Of course.” Minhyuk leaned in, pecking Kihyun’s cheek.  _

 

_ Kihyun hid his growing smile to himself, the kiss still warm on his cheek. Maybe things were getting better. Maybe this actually was a good idea. _

 

Kihyun pushes down the nerves as he sets his guitar case down in the corner and slips off his jacket. He still has to get through an entire shift before any of that comes.

 

“It’s happening, it’s finally happening!” Changkyun squeals excitedly, busting through the backroom door after Kihyun. “I wasn’t sure if you were actually going to go through with it.” 

 

Kihyun snorts, looking over at the young barista. “I mean I said I would, didn’t I?” 

 

“I guess.” Changkyun shrugs, eyes trailing down Kihyun’s body. “You’re looking extra fine today though. You trying to get laid tonight?” 

 

Kihyun makes a squeaking noise and turns, trying to hide the sudden flush to his cheeks, brushing the other off and grabbing the apron with his name tag. “Don’t you have work to be doing?” 

 

“Oh my god, you  _ are _ .” Changkyun’s eyes are wide and his grin is definitely something of a movie villain. “So then your mysterious husband is coming tonight?” 

 

“Just because you’ve never seen him come in doesn’t mean he’s mysterious,” Kihyun says, pulling the apron over his head. He wraps the long strap around his waist twice, tying it in a bow on the side. 

 

A voice comes from the doorway. “Notice that he never denied wanting to get laid.”

 

“Lee Jooheon!” Kihyun snaps, quickly turning around seeing the dimpled boy’s face sticking in from outside, smiling in complete amusement. 

 

“Oh shit, we got the forehead out and everything!” Jooheon grins, giving him a thumbs up. “Damn, hyung, you’re really going for it.”

 

“Also his eye shadow matches his sweater,” Changkyun points out behind him. 

 

Kihyun steps forward, seething and Jooheon quickly retreats back out to the front, Changkyun cracking up behind him. 

 

Okay, so maybe he put a little effort into his appearance today. The sweater is one that Minhyuk bought him for their anniversary, maroon and knitted, baggy enough that it sags past his waist and the neckline is large enough for his collarbones to peak out. 

 

It’s not that Kihyun’s vying for Minhyuk’s attention. They’re married. But it’s been too long since Minhyuk’s hugged him too tight for his own good or gushed about Kihyun’s pretty voice or left bunches of little kisses on Kihyun’s nose or- 

 

Kihyun stops himself from thinking too much before that bizarre pain in his chest twists a little too hard.

 

So again, the singing thing, it’s not for attention. He just… misses him. 

 

“It’s okay, hyung. You look really nice.” Changkyun puts a hand on his shoulder. “There’s no way that anyone could resist you tonight. You’ll be like a siren drawing him in with your beautifully haunting voice.”

 

Kihyun rolls his eyes, brushing Changkyun’s arm from his shoulders. “You’ve never even heard me sing.”

 

“And I already know it’s amazing,” Changkyun sing-songs on his way back out the door, leaving Kihyun alone in the backroom. Sighing, Kihyun straightens up and grabs his clipboard of orders from the small office attached to the backroom to begin taking inventory. Time to get to work. 

 

When his break rolls around he quickly fixes himself a peppermint tea and secludes himself in one of their corner booths, legs grateful for a rest.

 

He pulls out his phone, a text notification lighting the screen. 

 

_ (1) NEW MESSAGE: Hyunwoo _

 

_ [12:43 PM] _

_ You got this Kihyun-ah! I’m sorry that I couldn’t be there, but I know you’ll do great _

 

His lips quirk up slightly at the encouraging message, quickly typing back.

 

_ [4:56 PM] _

_ thanks hyung! i’ll see you when you get back from your trip _

 

He goes back into his messages, feeling a tinge at the lack of texts from Minhyuk. He taps on Minhyuk’s contact, scrolling through the messages he’s sent with barely any replies.

 

_ He’s coming to the show _ , he reasons.  _ That’s why he’s not texting you. He’ll be supportive in person. _

 

He jumps when his phone buzzes in his hand, thinking Minhyuk actually  _ did _ text him, maybe-

 

_ (1) NEW MESSAGE: Hyunwoo _

_ [3:57 PM] _

_ Only a few more weeks! _

 

Kihyun swallows, putting his phone down. It doesn’t matter that Minhyuk’s not texting him because Minhyuk is coming tonight. Just like he said he would. 

 

The rest of the day goes by a nerve-wracking slow pace, marked with Kihyun checking his phone in between orders of iced mochas and peppermint hot chocolate, watching the minutes slowly go by.  

 

Slowly the sun sets and the crowd starts forming, tables filling up. Every time the bell on the door dings he looks up, hoping to see a familiar head of black hair only to be disappointed each time. 

 

He glances around nervously, quickly shooting Minhyuk a text.

 

_ [7:51 PM] _

_ hey, the show is starting soon _

_ are you on your way? _

 

He slips his phone back into his back pocket of his skinny jeans, turning back to the five latte’s he needs to make for the group in the back corner table. 

 

“Hyung, do you want to get ready?”

 

Changkyun comes up behind him and Kihyun nearly jumps, cursing himself for how on edge he is. “Seokjin is here to take over and said that you can clock out now.”

 

Taking a deep breath, Kihyun nods. “Yeah, I will. Thanks, Kyun. Take these over to the corner table will you?” 

 

Leaving Changkyun to finish his work he goes to the back room and takes off his apron, undoing the bowtie and hanging it on the wall hooks. He grabs his bag and slips into the small bathroom for the staff. He grips the edge of the sink, taking a few breaths to calm down before he looks in the mirror, checking how his makeup still looks after his eight-hour shift. 

 

Some of his hair has fallen into his face and his highlight has worn off, but he’s looked worse. Putting on a straight face he watches himself, pleased that he can hide his nerves behind an impassive face. He pulls out his lip stain and reapplies it, mildly satisfied with the red bitten color. 

 

He adjusts his sweater, sighing before exiting and grabbing his guitar from the case. He quickly checks the tuning before slipping out to the public area. 

 

On the stage, one of their regulars on mic night is in the middle of his song, lively music dancing around the cafe as his fingers race across the keyboard they have set up. He leans against the counter, once again looking around the cafe to see his Minhyuk is anywhere to be found. Biting his lip, he pulls out his phone.

 

_ [8:02 PM] _

_ where are you? _

_ min please _

 

He stares at the message screen praying for the little dots to show up when he hears Jooheon in the background, applauding and thanking the last performer. “Now something that our staff has been waiting for, our assistant manager is finally getting a taste of the performing life… Yoo Kihyun, everybody!” 

Changkyun pushes him up to the platform and Jooheon grins at him as he approaches the stage on suddenly weak legs. He steps up, sweaty palms gripping his guitar and Jooheon pats his shoulder, leaving him alone. He hops up on the stool, resting his feet on the bar and his hands reaching out to adjust the mic. 

 

Then he finally looks out into the crowd, small groups clustered around their tables, chairs surrounding the small stage. His eyes frantically scan every face, hoping, praying that he missed Minhyuk before and that he’s is just sitting in the back. He reaches the last face and the truth is staring at him right in the face.

 

He didn’t come. 

 

The realization is thick and present in his chest, compressing harshly against his rapidly beating heart.

 

He really didn’t come. 

 

Kihyun looks down, swallowing, feeling the dozens of eyes on him. He clears his throat, trying to push down the devastation that’s tightening around his neck and making his eyes sting. His eyes find his friends standing to the side, Jooheon flashing an encouraging thumbs up. Taking a deep breath he lifts his fingers into position clenching around the guitar pick and strums down on the first chord, breaking the quiet atmosphere of the cafe. 

 

The song is soft, something that Minhyuk used to listen to in the mornings. His voice shakes at the beginning, but he pushes it down, focusing on his guitar, his fingers, his strumming patterns. He keeps closing his eyes or looking away from the audience because every time he looks it’s like sharp pains stab his chest. His voice strengthens as he gets into a rhythm, more steadily and confidently hitting notes. He’s used to this. He can do this part. 

 

He hits the crescendo and ends softly, last note left hanging in the air before applause breaks out around the cafe. Kihyun looks up, bowing his head politely before hopping off the stool and off the platform. Changkyun giving a sharp wolf whistle that makes him wince.

 

“Hyung, you were so good!” Jooheon screams in his ear as he clings to the other’s smaller shoulders, nearly toppling him over. 

 

Kihyun tries to smile, but all he can think about how Minhyuk isn’t here. How he isn’t the one pulling him into his arms and telling him that he did a good job. 

 

“I can’t believe you’ve been hiding that voice in there,” Changkyun says. “I almost feel like I’ve been lied to.” 

 

Kihyun forces out a laugh and Jooheon pulls him towards a side table. “Come on and sit with us, Seokjin and Jun have officially taken over the counter, so we get to just watch the rest of the performances. Let me go grab us some drinks.” 

 

“Wait, I still haven’t met Minhyuk! Where is he?” Changkyun looks around the low lit cafe and the pain in Kihyun’s chest starts to feel a little too real, throat threatening to close in on itself.

 

“He…” Kihyun’s voice wavers and Changkyun eyes come back to him, flickering in surprise at Kihyun’s wet eyes. “He didn’t come,” he whispers, fingers pulling self consciously at the sleeves of his sweater. 

 

Changkyun opens his mouth, but Kihyun intercepts. “And thanks for the offer, but I’m going to go home now. I’ll see you guys later.” 

 

Before the pair can say anything he shoulders off Jooheon’s arm and slips through the backroom door.

 

Trying to blink the tears from his eyes he hurriedly puts his guitar back into its case and slips into his long coat. He goes out the backdoor to avoid being stopped by his coworkers.

 

He walks into an empty house. He checks all the rooms just to make sure that he’s alone. 

 

In the bathroom he wipes off his makeup, the remover tissue staining red from his eye shadow and lip stain. He takes out his contacts and runs a hand through his stiff hair, grimacing at the styling gel. After showering he changes into an old baggy white shirt and boxers, ruffling his hair dry with a towel. On the bathroom counter, his eyes fall on his wedding band. Gently, he picks it up, holding it between his fingers feeling Minhyuk’s absence more than ever. 

 

He remembers how Minhyuk used to come up behind him and slip the ring back on his finger after he’d get out of the shower. How he’d kiss up his neck and whisper  _ you’re mine  _ into his damp skin. 

 

Swallowing, he puts the ring on himself and tries to find comfort in the band on his finger. The ring alone still means he’s Minhyuk’s and that Minhyuk is his. 

 

Crawling into bed he takes one more look at his phone, just to see if he apologized. Just to see if there was really a reason that Minhyuk hadn’t been there. 

 

Read. Twenty-three minutes ago. No response. 

 

The knot reintroduces itself in his throat and his bottom lip trembles. He really didn’t want to cry. Minhyuk wasn’t supposed to make him want to cry. 

 

Hastily, he puts his phone down on the bedside table and turns off the lamp. Curling his legs in closer and he closes his eyes, forcing the feelings to fade away. 

 

He wakes up to Minhyuk slipping under the covers, pulling at the sheets. He can’t read the alarm clock because he doesn't have his glasses on. “What time is it?” he mumbles, feeling Minhyuk freeze.

 

“Just go back to sleep,” Minhyuk shushes, pulling the duvet up over their shoulders. 

 

“You didn’t come tonight,” he murmurs, hurt once again stirring in his chest. “Where were you? Why didn’t you come?” 

 

He can hear Minhyuk’s breath pause against his neck as the other adjusts next to him. “Kihyun… I completely forgot I’m so sorry. I just got so pulled around at work today, I just…”

 

“I texted you,” Kihyun pushes, pain awakening with every breath.

 

“I haven’t even had a chance to look at my phone since this morning and by the time I did, it was too late. I’m sorry, Hyunnie.” Kihyun feels a kiss against his shoulder and suddenly wants to cry again. Even more. “I’ll make it up to you, I promise.” 

 

Kihyun bites his lip, as Minhyuk settles down beside him. He lays there listening to the other’s breathing eventually even out and he stares out into the darkness of their bedroom, letting a few stray tears that have been stubbornly clinging to his lashes slip down his face onto his pillow.

 

The pain in his chest doesn’t go away. 

  
  



	2. Stage 2

When Kihyun coughs up his first petals, the immediate recognition to the flowers that Minhyuk brought him on their first date is bone chilling.

 

He remembers that day so clearly (just like he remembers most things about Minhyuk). He was anxiously trying on his fourth outfit with Hyunwoo impassively watching from the bed, casually propped up against the bed frame scrolling through his phone.

 

Kihyun gave a frantic yelp when the knock at the door came, causing Hyunwoo to chuckle, leaving to open it. He ushered in a smiling Minhyuk who was holding a small bouquet of flowers. Kihyun frantically fixed his hair and tucked in his shirt, taking a deep breath before exiting his bedroom.

 

Kihyun remembers the buzzing excitement and nerves while entering the room. He remembers how Minhyuk got one look at him and couldn’t look away.

 

“ _Wow_ ,” Minhyuk had uttered, leaving Kihyun with red cheeks and a shy smile.

 

That was his face as he took the flowers from Minhyuk’s large hands, who rings them nervously when he longer has something to hold.

 

(These will be the same hands that engulf Kihyun’s own smaller hands. A fitting comparison to what Minhyuk will do to Kihyun within weeks. He’ll completely engulf his life - in fact he’ll _become_ his life, but that’s getting ahead of the story.)

 

After taking the flowers Kihyun remembers placing them in a vase and putting it on his bedside table. The sunflowers stood proudly by his bedside, bright and yellow.

 

Fast forward three years plus a wedding, then it’s a Tuesday night. He made dinner an hour ago, but Minhyuk still isn’t home. The more Minhyuk is absent the more that Kihyun’s chest aches just like it does now - suddenly intensifying.

 

Then he’s coughing and he can’t stop. He gags in between coughs because he can feel something inching up his throat. Something foreign. Confused, he hunches over, bringing a hand to his lips as the he feels something small and soft in his mouth. He brings his hand away and three bright yellow petals announce themselves in his palm.

 

Shock maybe isn’t the right word to describe the feeling that he gets when he looks at the flora. All he knows is that the feeling isn’t yellow. Yellow is happiness. Yellow is Minhyuk.

 

He stares at them in his palm, his mind going a hundred miles an hour, yet somehow thinking nothing at all except for one thing.

 

Hanahaki.

 

All he knows is what he’s gleaned from the hundreds of romance movies and novels produced around the tragic, yet oh so poetic disease. The plot that they’ve all seen where roses tear apart a young girls chest until the boy realizes that maybe he’s loved her the whole time, but didn’t return her feelings until too late.

 

Love beautiful as roses - rejection as deadly as the thorns tearing your lungs apart.

 

There has been no determined feature that marks those who are vulnerable to the rare but deadly infection. Lots of people go through life experiencing unrequited love with no flowers ever growing in their chests.

 

He never thought about how he could be one of the weak ones. He never thought that it could be sunflowers.

 

He never thought that it would be Minhyuk.

 

Fear runs through his body as he clenches the small petals in his fist. How was this happening? How was this possible?

 

They’ve been together for years - _married_ for years, this- this doesn’t make sense. Minhyuk loves him. He’s told him hundreds of times. He’s kissed it into his skin, he’s carved it into Kihyun’s very being.

 

Kihyun loves Minhyuk and Minhyuk loves Kihyun.

 

Breathing shakily he looks at the crushed petals in his hand, heart pounding in his chest. His skin feels flushed and his head whirls as he leans against the counter, trying to catch his breath. Pain twists in his chest and he whimpers, head falling forward.

 

_Does he love you?_

 

Kihyun’s mouth goes dry. Looking back at the past few months he’s terrified that he doesn’t know the answer to that question. Minhyuk’s recent distance has been like a gaping hole in his chest, eating away at him. Loneliness surrounds Kihyun constantly, blanketing him in a thick fog that he can’t shrug off.  

 

It’s like Minhyuk’s surrounded himself in a fortress that Kihyun can’t penetrate. Built walls that Kihyun can’t climb. He won’t laugh at Kihyun’s silly jokes anymore, or attempt to help him cook even though they both know it’ll end in disaster. His presence is something Kihyun is hyper aware of and Kihyun feels like he’s walking on eggshells around him, one wrong move and Minhyuk will be farther away than ever before.

 

He jumps at the sound of the front door opening, immediately throwing the petals in the trash, brushing his hand on his sweater.

 

“Hi, Min,” Kihyun calls, looking over to the entryway, thankful that his voice wasn’t trembling. “How was work?”

 

Minhyuk shoulders off his coat, sighing as hangs it in the closet. “Fine,” he says, barely glancing over at Kihyun before kicking off his shoes.

 

“So I was thinking maybe we could rent a movie tonight? It’s been a while since we both have been home and it’s not too late to do something.” What Kihyun really means is that Minhyuk is never home. It seems like Kihyun is always here. Waiting for the door to open. Waiting for Minhyuk to walk in.

 

Minhyuk gives an unsure hum, not really responding to Kihyun.

 

“Or if you don’t want a movie, maybe something else? Anything you want?” Kihyun trails off, wanting Minhyuk to catch on.

 

Minhyuk sighs. “I don’t know, I’m pretty tired and I have to get up early for a client meeting tomorrow. I’m not really up for anything.”

 

Disappointment and a hint of desperation flares in Kihyun’s stomach and he watches his husband dump his keys on the kitchen counter, ready to disappear into their bedroom.

 

Quickly, Kihyun walks over, coming between Minhyuk and the counter, trailing a hand down Minhyuk’s chest. “Well maybe a little de-stressing would be good,” he says, trying to smile suggestively, hand trailing near Minhyuk’s belt.

 

Minhyuk grabs his hand, stopping it. “Kihyun. I said that I was tired. I’m just going to take a shower and go to bed early.”

 

Kihyun frowns at his sharp tone. “How about at least having some dinner first, I made some-”

 

“I ate already.” Minhyuk walks away into the bedroom, shutting the door behind him.

 

He flinches at the sound, his chest twisting in pain as he stands alone once again. He feels dirty from Minhyuk’s blatant rejection, eyes stinging from the sharpness of his tongue and the annoyance in his eyes.

 

In his mind Minhyuk would have settled his large hands on his waist and smiled at Kihyun’s pathetic flirtation, not push him away. He would pull him closer or maybe push him up against the counter. He’d lean in and kiss him, taking him hot and slow, tongue tracing Kihyun’s lips as Kihyun digs his fingers into the fabric of Minhyuk’s shirt, letting Minhyuk blissfully take away all the aching pain that plagues his chest. He would float away in the feeling, lost in Minhyuk’s intoxicating kisses, lost in Minhyuk himself. Then Minhyuk’s hands would slither down from their place at his hips to his ass and squeeze like he owns him and Kihyun would moan into his mouth.

 

“ _I’ve missed you,_ ” Minhyuk would whisper as he pulls away slightly, one of his hands reaching up and carding through Kihyun’s hair, leaning in and pressing a kiss to Kihyun’s forehead.

 

_Me too. I’ve missed you so much it hurts._

 

_It hurts._

 

He tears himself from his broken fantasy, the pain in his chest flaring. Trembling, he takes a shaky breath and looks back at the meal he prepared. He hadn’t eaten yet either, but he finds himself feeling nauseous, a dark heavy pull settling in his stomach.

 

_He loves you. He loves you._

 

He finds himself repeating the sentence in his head as his breathing hitches and his hands shake. Minhyuk’s words echo in his mind and it stings his eyes and makes Kihyun cough again, a yellow petal fluttering down from his mouth onto the floor.

 

Kihyun stares at it, hand coming up and feeling his chest, rubbing where the pain lays nestled in his ribcage.

 

_He loves you._

 

_Right?_

 

Kihyun stoops down and throws the petal in the trash.

 

As the week progresses, more sunflower petals make their way up his throat through harsh coughs. They fall from his lips, the pain in his chest only worsening as more petals fall. Minhyuk grimaces at his nasty coughs, but doesn’t comment on Kihyun excusing himself to the bathroom, coughing up dozens more petals into the sink.

 

Years ago Kihyun had tried to keep that first bouquet alive. He had tried to keep giving it fresh water and sun, but in the end a bouquet is bundle of dead flowers. They withered and dried and slowly fell off of the stem.

 

Minhyuk has once again given him fallen petals.

 

So he coughs up sunflowers and he forces himself not to think of the twisted reality of the flowers that are growing in his lungs. How Minhyuk’s smile was made of sunshine and how he made the roots begin to dig into Kihyun’s insides. How Kihyun’s love for Minhyuk is pure yellow and how it may kill him in the end.

 

Staring at the flowers in the sink, Kihyun can’t help but think of that first date, can’t help but think of the sunflowers that Minhyuk held out to him, wondering if by taking them he signed his own deathwish.

 

Maybe his body felt the need to return Minhyuk’s first gift. It grows it’s sunflowers for the boy who brought the sun into Kihyun’s life.

 

Too bad that Minhyuk doesn’t notice his gift.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> let me know what you think in the comments!
> 
> I post previews and snippets on my twitter: @lostnthedream


	3. Stage 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm sorry it took so long to post this, but it's finally here! it's so much longer than i originally thought it was going to be, so i hope you all enjoy!

 

Hanahaki disease progresses in a color spectrum, different for each flower. The spectrum of infection is done on a color grade. The similarity is they all end in red. Kihyun’s had the time now to do his research. The original flower color - in Kihyun’s case a bright, beautiful yellow - to a dark, poisonous crimson.

 

And like the sun is sure to set, the yellow petals begin to change, becoming orange as the invasion of flora grows and tears at the blood vessels in Kihyun’s lungs.

 

A dark chill goes down his back at the clear color progression. He looks at the light orange and shakes his head. He can still do it. He can still make Minhyuk fall back in love with him.

 

Orange was the color of the sunset on their wedding night.  

 

The night where Kihyun was wrapped in loose linens, watching the sky from the balcony of their suite, and Minhyuk stepped up behind him, his hands roamed around Kihyun's body, lips trailing the back of his neck. Kihyun had smiled then, giggling in his husband’s hold. He felt Minhyuk also smile against the back of his neck, arms clinging around Kihyun in a tight grasp.

 

Minhyuk had pulled on his arm, soft smile on his face, skin glowing in the fading sunlight. He was beautiful. So beautiful that Kihyun will never forget how he led him back into their room, pushed him into into the soft mattress and left biting kisses down his neck, tattooing pretty words into Kihyun’s skin.

 

Orange light surrounded Kihyun as Minhyuk made love to him in white sheets.

 

Orange petals fall into the white porcelain sink as Kihyun’s chest begins caving in on itself.

 

To say he’s getting desperate that this point isn’t saying enough.

 

It’s getting harder to hide. The coughing is becoming to loud and frequent. The pain is becoming too much to just bite his cheek and mask behind a blank face. He can feel himself growing weaker and he wonders if everyone else can see it too.

 

But somehow Minhyuk hasn’t noticed the petals… and Kihyun wonders if he ever will. At work is where he struggles the most trying to hide his condition. His coworkers seem to care more than Minhyuk, voicing their concerns.

 

Jooheon touches his shoulder concerned as he repeatedly coughs into his sleeve. The pain is worse today. He can feel it deeper in his chest, growing more and more painful with each cough that tears at his throat.

 

“That cough sounds worse than last week.” Jooheon’s eyebrows furrow watching him. “Are you sure you’re okay?”

 

“I’m fine,” he says, voice slightly rough. Jooheon frowns, but stops questioning.

 

Kihyun clears his throat. “So, how were the performances last night? Anyone good?” He hopes that this can distract them, push away their concern. He doesn’t need them to waste time worrying about him.

 

It seems to work well enough because Jooheon’s eyes suddenly widen excitedly as he remembers. “Ah yes! It’s too bad you weren’t there! There was this new guy that was awesome.”

 

Changkyun hums in agreement from a few feet away, busy wiping down the front counter while they were still in a lull. “No, yeah, it was actually really good. But I’m sad that you got sick, Ki-hyung. I really wanted to hear you sing again.”

 

Kihyun gives an apologetic smile. The one convenience the sickness has brought him is an excuse from his coworkers’ insistence at an encore from last month. The excuse is a small relief from having to face a room full of stares without Minhyuk again. He’s not ready for the repeat of that night. Not ever.

 

“Well you can’t hide it forever, hyung. My studio is almost set up and when it’s done and you’re feeling better we need to have a session. I’m not taking no for an answer.”

 

Kihyun snorts. “You’re still setting it up?” he asks, once again trying to lead the conversation away from him.

 

“Hey, recording equipment is expensive okay?” Jooheon pouts. “I’ve been saving up for a new MIDI keyboard and I still need to get a larger interface.”

 

Kihyun hums even though he doesn't understand most of the music jargon that Jooheon and Changkyun talk about on a daily basis, but it's familiar and comforting background noise.

 

“It would be nice if all of the keys actually worked,” Changkyun comments. “Also your mic still does that crackling thing whenever we try to record anything.”

 

Jooheon makes a noise of agreeance, grimacing slightly. “I have a friend coming over to help me out with that to figure out whether or not it’s the actually the mic though. He said that it might be the cords that I have. They are pretty old. Also I’m still learning how to use the new software update from last month. I haven’t had enough time to mess around with it. I really regret putting it on automatic updates.”

 

“You still haven’t figured it out?” Changkyun laughs, teasing slightly.

 

“Hey, not all of us can get it on the first try! I was just getting used to it and then it all changed again,” Jooheon complains with a deep frown setting in on his face. His lips jut out slightly in an inadvertent pout.

 

“Jooheon, can you refill the-” Kihyun starts to ask when he cuts himself off, a sharp pain stabbing in his chest causing his hand to shoot up to his chest, a small whimper leaving his leaving his mouth.

 

“You okay, hyung?” Jooheon comes closer and Kihyun nods, smile coming out more as a grimace. “Fine,” he says, gritting his teeth.

 

He can feel the need to cough again building inside of him, pressing on his throat. To his dismay another set of hacking coughs breaks through, but this time he can feel the petals. Panicked he turns away from the others, trying to shield his mouth from their vision.

 

"Do you want some water? Here, let me-”

 

The dinging bell on the door interrupts and a group of teenagers come into the cafe, taking away Jooheon’s attention for enough time for Kihyun to slip away into the backroom, letting the full force of the coughs violently wrack his body.

 

He hunches over, the pain vibrating through his body. He holds up his hands to his mouth to try to muffle to noise, eyes clenching shut in pain.

 

Petals fall into his hands and when he opens his eyes he sees their new color -- a deep orange, just borderlining on the edge of red.

 

Darker than yesterday, barely recognizable as sunflower petals.

 

His breathing catches in his throat, more harsh coughs crumbling his form over, and this time it isn’t just petals that fall onto the floor. It’s a flower. Small, tinged in red.

 

Frantically, he picks up the flower and the surrounding petals, standing on shaky legs. He slips in the bathroom and flushes them down the toilet, getting rid of any flower reminisce. He feels shaky as he steps up to the sink, placing his hands on the counter and leaning his weight onto it.

 

He can taste hints of iron in this mouth and the realization terrifies him. He briefly touches his lips his fingers looking up at his reflection.

 

When he looks up into the mirror he sees the sickly dark bags under his eyes and his disheveled hair. He sees his wide fearful eyes. The taste of blood lingers like a ghost and he swallows, albeit painfully.

 

His shaking hand comes up and the touches his face, and he wants to stop shaking. In fact he wants this all to stop. He wants to stop dying and he wants Minhyuk to tell him that he’s going to be okay and that _they’re_ going to be okay and that this was is all some nightmare.

 

He takes a minute to catch his breath, breathing in slow to try to calm the panic that vibrates in his veins.

 

He hears a knock on the door and he jumps, a muffled voice coming from the other side. “Hyung, are you in there?”

 

Taking a deep breathe, he tries straightening his hair. “Yes, Kyun,” he calls, hesitating before pulling on the handle.

 

If Changkyun notices Kihyun’s disheveled appearance at all he hides it well, for that Kihyun is grateful.

 

“Someone’s here to see you,” he says and Kihyun blinks.

 

“See me?”

 

He follows Changkyun out to the front, pulling at his long sleeves. A familiar large figure leans against the counter talking to Jooheon. His broad shoulders pull at the long sleeve shirt he’s wearing and his dark hair his brushed off the the side of his forehead.

 

“Hyung!” he greets, surprised. “You’re back from your retreat then?”

 

Hyunwoo looks up from conversation with Jooheon, smiling at Kihyun. “Kihyun-ah! Yeah, I just got back and thought that I’d swing by to see if you were in. Have you already had your break?”

 

Seeing Hyunwoo’s kind face soothes the fear that’s lingering in his stomach and releases some sort of relief that makes him realize how much he’s missed the older.

 

Kihyun shakes his head. “No, I don’t have mine until two.”

 

“If you want, you can switch with me, hyung.” Changkyun says. “Mine’s in like five minutes, I don’t mind waiting a little longer for lunch.”

 

Kihyun smiles gratefully, turning back to Hyunwoo. “Is that okay, hyung?”

 

Hyunwoo nods, “I’ll get us a table.”

 

“Will it be the usual, hyung?” Jooheon asks, already reaching for a large cup. _Large, iced americano, triple shot._ Hyunwoo visits enough that most of the baristas have his order memorized.

 

Hyunwoo nods, passing Jooheon his card. Kihyun busies himself with the next customer, smiling at the middle aged women that steps up to counter.

 

As Kihyun makes the drinks he notes Hyunwoo’s presence in the corner booth, suddenly nervous about catching up with his friend.

 

How much can he tell him? How much does he already know just from seeing him? Minutes ago Kihyun was seconds away from falling apart in the small staff bathroom. Pretending to be okay in front of Hyunwoo might be his downfall.

 

He places the drinks on the counter, moving to fix his own peppermint tea before he goes over to Hyunwoo. While it steeps he unties the bow on his apron and slips it over his head.

 

Grabbing his small tea and Hyunwoo’s large dark coffee he exits behind the counter and over to where Hyunwoo is sitting. Lips slightly puckered out, Hyunwoo is hunched forward, scrolling through his phone that’s on the table as Kihyun walks over with their drinks.

 

Kihyun slips into the opposite side, sliding Hyunwoo his drink. “So how was the trip? Tell me about it.”

 

Hyunwoo looks at Kihyun’s drink and raises an eyebrow, ignoring Kihyun’s question. “Is that all you’re having? Isn’t this your lunch break?”

 

Kihyun grimaces. This was going to be harder than he thought.

 

“I don’t know, I’m not very hungry. I had a big breakfast.” He shrugs, hoping he sounds nonchalant enough to not raise any more questions. He doesn’t want to tell Hyunwoo how he never feels hungry and that he barely eats anymore.

 

Kihyun clears his throat, sitting up. “So the retreat?”

 

Hyunwoo hums, setting down his cup. “It was really great. It was interesting to see other routines that these people have been developing. I’m glad that my boss sent me. Now, I could start incorporating into our options for our clients and maybe expand our reach a little.”

 

Kihyun nods, listening to Hyunwoo explain the various new workout routines, diets, and equipment that he got to see over the last month. Hyunwoo works as a personal trainer at a pretty exclusive gym that’s only a few minutes from Kihyun’s little cafe. He’s used to Hyunwoo’s bringing in his fellow buff coworkers, but the past month has been lonely without him stopping in several times a week.

 

“Kihyun, is everything okay?”

 

Kihyun freezes, looking up and meeting his best friend’s eyes. He looks concerned, watching Kihyun’s hands wrap around his tea.

 

“Of course, why?” he asks, breaking eye contact with the taller.

 

“You don’t seem like yourself,” Hyunwoo says, slightly tilting his head to the side.

 

Biting his lip, Kihyun curses himself for underestimating how observant Hyunwoo can be. The man is always too straightforward for any kind of beating around the bush.

 

He chuckles half-heartedly. “Oh, I’m just a little sick. Allergies.”

 

“No, it’s not that… you seem sad.”

 

Hyunwoo’s soft words cut deep into Kihyun. Trying to hide, Kihyun ducks his head.

 

Hyunwoo’s words always seem to have an effect on him that he never expects. Like how a simple observation can suddenly bring a wave of emotion out of Kihyun that he’s been trying to hold back this whole time. He thinks that he can still taste the blood in his mouth and it makes tears blur his vision.

 

“Kihyun?” He feels Hyunwoo’s hand wrapping around his and squeezing it and Kihyun’s wall begins to crack.

 

“Hyung,” he starts, thankful his voice isn’t trembling. “Can I ask you something?”

 

Hyunwoo squeezes his hand harder, leaning closer. “Of course.”

 

Kihyun swallows, wondering how much he can truly keep from Hyunwoo to stop him from worrying about him. He can barely bring himself to look up at Hyunwoo, but he does, meeting his oldest friends eyes hoping Hyunwoo can’t tell how broken he’s truly become.

 

“Have you ever felt someone drifting away from you and you don’t know how to bring them back?”

 

Hyunwoo frowns, thumb stroking Kihyun’s hand. “Does this have to do with Minhyuk?”

 

Kihyun’s hand flinches back from Hyunwoo’s comforting grip. He tries to swallow the rocks in throat, but they stubbornly stay in place.

 

“Are things not okay with you two?” Hyunwoo asks, tilting his head concerned.

 

Kihyun bows his head, biting his lip.

 

“I’m scared, Hyunwoo.” He twists the wedding ring on his finger. “I’ve never been more scared in my life.”

 

Hyunwoo’s eyebrows furrow and he sits up. “Kihyun, is he hurting you?” His voice is deadly serious. His protective shoulders tense up, the same way they would when Kihyun got surrounded by bullies in high school.

 

_No. Not in the way you’re thinking._

 

Kihyun shakes his head, saying nothing about the pain in his chest that pulses as if it’s trying to remind him how much Minhyuk is hurting him without even meaning to.

 

“I just,” he hesitates, words wavering. “I feel like he doesn’t want me around anymore.”

 

“Oh, Kihyun-ah,” Hyunwoo breathes. “I’m sure that’s not true.”

 

Kihyun bites his lip, shaking his head. He can’t get rid of the evil feeling that lurks on his shoulders reminding him constantly of how Minhyuk barely talks to him.

 

“Have you talked to him about it? Maybe there’s something else bothering him and he just doesn’t know how to talk to you about it.”

 

That thought still stabs Kihyun’s heart because he Minhyuk talk to each other about everything. There isn’t a secret about Kihyun that Minhyuk doesn’t know every detail about. The thought that Minhyuk could possibly feel like he can’t come to Kihyun about something breaks Kihyun just a little bit more.

 

“No,” he whispers. “No, I haven’t talked to him about it.”

 

“You should.” Hyunwoo ducks his head to catch Kihyun’s eyes. “Tell him how you feel. That’s the only way to solve these kind of things. It’ll be okay, Ki, every relationship has rough patches.”

 

Kihyun nods, letting Hyunwoo’s words sink in.

 

“You’re right,” he says, voice still tight.

 

Hyunwoo gives him a soft smile. “I’m sorry that I’ve been gone this whole time. I feel like I should’ve been here for you.”

 

“No, don’t be sorry.” Kihyun tries to smile at him. “I’m just glad you’re back.”  

 

“If you ever need a place to stay, I’m back now. Okay?” Hyunwoo smiles gently, Kihyun feels his chest crack. “Or if you just need someone to talk to.”

 

Kihyun’s chest aches, but he manages a real smile this time. “Thank you, hyung. I’ll try to remember that.”

 

“Just take care of yourself,” he says. “I can tell you’ve lost weight, too. Here-” Hyunwoo reaches into his bag next to him, pulling out some random health bar. He places it in front of Kihyun, with a pointed look. “Eat something.”

 

Something pangs in Kihyun’s chest as he looks at the bar, glancing up at Hyunwoo. It’s nice to be taken care of he realizes, suddenly wanting to cry for a whole different reason. But he does not want to be seen crying over a health bar, he opens it and tucks in.

 

It tastes horrible and the look on his face must be amusing because Hyunwoo chuckles, reaching over to pinch his cheek.

 

“There’s my hamster,” Hyunwoo teases and Kihyun makes a complaining noise, pushing his hand away.

 

He glares at him. “I’m a shark,” he retorts, still chewing.

 

Hyunwoo laughs and Kihyun doesn’t feel so lonely anymore.

 

Despite the awful taste, he eats the entire thing. Hyunwoo smiles the whole time.

 

~~~

 

Tonight. Tonight he’s finally going to confront Minhyuk.

 

Hyunwoo’s words won’t leave him alone. He needs to follow his advice and talk to Minhyuk about what’s been going on. It’s too dangerous to keep going on the path he’s taken.

 

Maybe Hyunwoo was right, maybe Minhyuk is going through something that isn’t even related to him. Maybe this can finally bring his husband back to him.

 

He makes dinner as usual, passing the time by cooking, watching the minutes and then hours tick by on the clock. It’s ready and Minhyuk’s not home. It’s cold and Minhyuk’s still not home.

 

Hopelessness once again fills Kihyun’s bones as he waits for Minhyuk, the sun now long past setting and darkness beckoning outside the window. He sits on the couch, watching out at the occasional passerby, gazing at the streetlights.

 

Every bit of of him is praying that some miracle will happen and when Minhyuk walks through the door that everything will be back to normal.

 

He ends up half falling asleep on the couch, food long abandoned on the stove top, but at the sound of Minhyuk’s keys unlocking the door he immediately wakes up, eyes shooting open.

 

Hurriedly, he relaxes back into position, thinking that maybe when Minhyuk comes enters he’ll see that Kihyun is falling asleep on the couch and he’ll come over and pull a blanket over him, pressing a soft kiss on the top of his head. Or he’ll shake him awake and coo about how adorable Kihyun is when he’s sleepy and clingy, pulling him to bed.

 

They could be normal again. Kihyun could breath without needles filling his lungs.

 

Of course none of that was never going to happen. Minhyuk barely glances at him as he walks through their front door and sheds his outer layers.

 

Kihyun’s eyes follow Minhyuk as he roams around the kitchen, eating Kihyun’s prepared meal. Not speaking a word to Kihyun in the adjacent room. He watches as Minhyuk ignores him, pressure building in his chest as his heart beats faster.

 

_Look at me. Please just look at me._

 

As the seconds any ounce of self control seems to be slipping at his fingertips. Frustration and desperation building up inside of him, begging him to finally confront him - to say something, anything.

 

“So where were you?” The quiet question leaves his mouth and he sees Minhyuk freeze, sighing before looking over to face Kihyun.

 

“Work.”

 

Annoyance sparks in Kihyun’s chest at the one word answer. “It’s nearly eleven, why are you always at work so late?”

 

Minhyuk runs a hands through his hair, sighing. “Please, Kihyun, I’m tired. I really don’t want to do this right now.”

 

“So when are we supposed to do it? You’re always tired and whenever you’re here you barely look at me, let alone talk to me.”

 

Minhyuk stares at him a moment before walking into the bedroom.

 

Anger shoots through Kihyun at the dismissal and he stands up, immediately following him. “Hey, don’t walk away from me! Min, you need to talk to me. _Please_.”

 

“What do you want me to say?” Minhyuk snaps, turning around. “I was at work, like I always am, so I don’t understand what the hell you’re on me about.”

 

“That you’re never here! I come home and make food and wait up for nearly every night and when you finally do come home you act like I barely exist!”

 

“I’m not home because I’m making a living so that we can live in this nice apartment and have enough food for month!”

 

Kihyun makes an exasperated noise. “Since when have you cared so much about money? We’re doing just fine between the two of us so why do you spend so much time there? I don’t understand,” Kihyun presses desperately.

 

Minhyuk shakes his head. “I do this for you! For us.”

 

“No, this isn't for us. This is breaking us.” Kihyun says, desperation taking over the anger in his voice.

 

“Like your job at that cafe brings in so much money,” Minhyuk mutters.

 

Kihyun clenches his fist, anger flaring in the pit of his stomach because this isn’t something that they fight about. This is Minhyuk avoiding all of the questions that Kihyun’s actually asking.

 

“If you have a problem with my job then tell me and we’ll sort it out. Because you have never had a problem before, so stop avoiding me, Min, and tell what is going on with you!”

 

Minhyuk gives a disbelieving chuckle, a painful expression twisting on his face.

 

“Maybe I spend so much time at work to avoid _all_ of this. Your nagging and bitching… it seems like everytime I come home you’re all over me and it’s like I can’t even breathe!”

 

Minhyuk’s eyes are cutting, vicious, like he knows that his words are cutting Kihyun apart, breaking them apart.

 

“Kihyun, sometimes you’re too much.”

 

The words leave him shocked, like a stinging slap to the face. He feels his heart stutter and freeze because this whole time he’s been thinking that maybe he wasn’t enough, that he needed to try harder, _be_ better.

 

But no. He’s too much. He’s suffocating. Overbearing. Too much to handle even for his own husband. He doesn’t know what to say back. Any anger that he’s felt over the last few minutes has been suddenly extinguished, leaving behind in his chest a painful smoking pile of ash.

 

“Too much?” he repeats back, voice breaking.

 

Minhyuk’s angry wall seems to crumble slightly a the feebleness of his voice.

 

“I’m sorry,” Minhyuk whispers, stepping closer. “Ki, I’m so sorry, I didn’t-”

 

His hand starts to reach out like he wants to grab his words from the air and reel them back in.

 

Kihyun shakes his head, stepping back, everything suddenly seems too much. The ashes in his chest flare up in his chest begging for attention, causing tears to well up in his eyes, and breathing suddenly seems more difficult, like someone’s got a fist around his throat and is squeezing harder and harder.

 

Minhyuk persists, grabbing his arm again and pulling him closer even though Kihyun shakes his head, weakly fighting Minhyuk’s hold, trying to pull away.

 

“Why did you say that if you didn’t mean it,” Kihyun asks, pained and breaking.

 

“I don’t know,” Minhyuk whispers. His hands grip tighter than ever and he shakes his head. “I’m sorry, I don’t know.”

 

Trembling, Kihyun finally submits to his hold, letting himself be pulled against Minhyuk’s chest. Clenching his eyes shut, Kihyun presses his face into Minhyuk’s collar, small body shuddering and tears involuntarily slipping from his eyes.

 

“I love you,” Kihyun says and it’s like he can feel the flowers blooming inside of him, because his chest feels tight and knotted. The very words cause the roots to dig deeper and Kihyun can’t help but cry. “I love you, but do you love me?”

 

“Baby, please don’t cry,” Minhyuk hushes, pulling back slightly and wiping the tears from Kihyun’s face.

 

“Please, say it,” Kihyun half sobs, fingers digging harshly into Minhyuk’s shoulders. “Please, tell me you love me.”

 

“Don’t cry,” he softly chides. “Of course, I love you,” Minhyuk tells him, and it’s sweet, addicting and it makes Kihyun want to scream.

 

He wants to have the strength to push away Minhyuk’s hands, too pull away and scream that i _f he loves him so much then why the fuck are there flowers growing in his lungs_.

 

But Minhyuk pulls him in again and Kihyun follows, completely pliant and powerless against him.

 

And being here, feeling Minhyuk warm against him - it’s enough to make the constant itch in the back of his throat and the pain in his chest go away. He basks in it, crying into his husband’s shirt. The soft strokes through his hair and the gentleness of the hand stroking his back is like a drug, finally letting him breathe without needles shooting through his chest. Finally feeling Minhyuk’s warm steady presence against his cold trembling body.

 

“Show me?” he pleads, and he knows he sounds pathetic, especially by the way that Minhyuk looks at him when he pulls away, but he can’t stop the need in his chest. Minhyuk looks at him like he’s an old memory. One that he once cherished, possibly one he regrets, but also one in the past. Yet, Minhyuk nods, and Kihyun can’t help the hope that flickers in his chest that he’s finally coming home as he looks in the other’s brown eyes and Minhyuk pulls him in for a kiss.

 

It’s messy and awkward because Kihyun’s still trying to stop the tears that keep trailing down his face. He messily tries to wipe them away as Minhyuk guides them to their bed, pushing Kihyun down into to the sheets and settling between his legs, pulling at the clothes that are covering each other.

 

He lets Minhyuk push him into their mattress and pull him apart. The once again giving himself away for the man above him, letting him draw out noises that no one else gets to hear and touch where no one else can touch. He lets Minhyuk take and take and take and he hopes that he rips into him deep enough to grab the flowers at their base where they rest in his lungs and pull them free, roots and all.

 

They’re left with Minhyuk slumped over Kihyun, breathing heavily onto each his neck, and Kihyun suddenly wants to cry again because his chest still _aches_ and Minhyuk did nothing to dislodge the pain inside of him. He’s still the same and Kihyun suddenly feels the rock in his throat again.

 

_He really doesn’t love you anymore._

 

Kihyun’s breath catches and then he’s coughing again, harsh and sudden. He frantically pushes Minhyuk off of him, trying to sit up so he doesn’t choke on the rush of petals in his throat.

 

Minhyuk watches with wide, shocked eyes as Kihyun brokenly coughs up bright red flower petals, falling prettily on their bed. Almost like a romantic gesture that Kihyun would only dream to find.

 

Kihyun is almost scared to look at Minhyuk because… there it is. His secret’s out. Blatant and obvious, just like the red petals on white sheets. But he looks up anyway, eyes trailing up from the sunflowers to Minhyuk’s blank and frozen face.

 

Kihyun wipes away the blood from his mouth and swallows, the taste of iron strong in his mouth.

 

“Kihyun…” Minhyuk starts, but the words seem to die in his throat.

 

Kihyun wishes that the could melt into the cracks of the floorboard, pain gripping down on his ribcage. He doesn’t know what he’s waiting for. Is it anger? Sadness? Concern?

 

Hopelessness wells up in his chest when Minhyuk still says nothing.

 

“Min, why did you lie?” he whispers, voice raspy and broken, breaking the bleak silence. “Why don’t you love me anymore?”

 

Minhyuk doesn’t respond to his question, instead he carefully inches closer to Kihyun, pulling a blanket around his shoulders, reminding Kihyun of his nakedness. Kihyun grips it, desperate for something to cling to, wrapping it tight around his trembling shoulders. For a moment he leaves Kihyun there alone, returning with a damp towel. Kihyun closes his eyes and silent tears fall down his face, as Minhyuk quietly cleans him.

 

“Let’s get you to the hospital, okay?” Minhyuk says gently into his ear.

 

Kihyun nods, numb. He lets his husband pull him to his feet, even though his legs shake as he slips back into his clothes.

 

The ride there is silent apart from Kihyun’s sniffles as Minhyuk navigates their way in the dark to the hospital.

 

They enter the ER with Kihyun trailing meekly behind Minhyuk.

 

“We need a -- a Hanahaki exam,” Minhyuk says, trying to keep his voice low. Kihyun drops his head, humiliated. This is exactly what he needs. A bunch of strangers discovering his failed marriage.

 

The nurse’s eyes flicker between the two of them, settling on Kihyun who is trying to impossibly shrink himself. She nods, pulling out and handing them a clipboard from across the counter.

 

_She knows you couldn’t make him happy._

 

They migrate over the chairs, Minhyuk filling out most of the information with Kihyun sitting numbly beside him, tear tracks still evident on his face. Minhyuk then pauses, hand freezing as he reaches the next page of questions. Kihyun is pulled from his trance when Minhyuk hesitantly hands over the clipboard and the page of symptoms is suddenly staring him in the face.

 

He swallows, picking up the pen and clenching it in his fist, and begins putting an X in the boxes next to the familiar words.

 

He sees Minhyuk glancing down at his marks, clearly trying not to pry, but eyes impossibly curious. He sees him freeze from the corner of his vision as the pen hovers next to the options. He swallows, marking the small boxes.

 

**_X_ ** _Persistent cough_

 ** _X_** _Coughing up petals_

 ** _X_** _Coughing up full flowers_

**_X_ ** _Blood on petals_

__ Vomiting_

**_X_** _Chest pain_

 ** _X_** _Loss of appetite_

**_X_ ** _F_ _atigue_

__ Insomnia_

**_X_** _Difficult breathing_

 ** _X_** _Shortness of breath_

__ Fainting_

**_X_** _Feelings of sadness/Depression_

_Other _____ (fill in blank)_

 

Minhyuk looks up at Kihyun with wide eyes. “Ki…”

 

“Please, don’t do this now,” Kihyun pleads, quiet and broken, barely having the courage to glance up at Minhyuk’s face.

 

Minhyuk’s eyes are glistening and his hair is still a bit of a mess from earlier. He stares at Kihyun’s face like he’s seeing him for the first time in months. And _maybe he is_ , Kihyun thinks.

 

Maybe this is the first time he’s noticing the dark bags under Kihyun’s eyes. The first time he’s seeing how noticable his husband’s cheekbones are and how he barely smiles anymore. Maybe it’s the first time he’s seeing the exhaustion that weighs on his shoulders and the dark sadness that lurks in Kihyun’s dark brown eyes, heavy and haunting.

 

He finally sees minutes from the first time he watched him cough up flowers. Flowers with Minhyuk’s name entangled in their roots.

 

He swallows, breaking away from Minhyuk’s stare. He finishes the last few questions quickly, barely processing them as he goes back up to the front desk, handing the nurse the clipboard back.

 

After a long wait in the front, they finally bring them back to the exam rooms. They make him change into an overly large hospital gowns and the thin fabric makes him shiver. Two nurses flit around attaching him to machines and sticking needles in his arms. He winces as they take blood samples and finally leave him alone, telling him that the doctor will be with them within the next hour.

 

Kihyun nods, pain still ever present in his chest. Minhyuk sits ever silent in the chairs to the side.

 

Kihyun glances over and Minhyuk’s face is still blank, like he still has had no reaction to the series of events that have just unfolded before him. It makes Kihyun’s chest tighten and he clenches his jaw.

 

In the silence of waiting, Kihyun can’t take it anymore.

 

“Is there someone else?”

 

Minhyuk freezes and Kihyun fists the thin material of his hospital gown.

 

“I deserve to know,” he says.

 

They sit in silence and anger wells in Kihyun once more. “ _Minhyuk-_ ”

 

“No,” Minhyuk says, after a long silence. “There’s no one else.”

 

“Don’t lie to me,” Kihyun begs, gritting his teeth.

 

Minhyuk looks up at him, eyes sad and tired. “I’m sorry, Kihyunnie, but there isn’t. I just…”

 

_I don’t love you._

 

“...I think we’ve been broken for a while.”

 

Kihyun throat closes up at the words and he stares intently down at his hands that rest on the pale hospital sheets in a futile attempt to keep the tears from sliding down his face. A small broken sob cracks through Kihyun’s feeble wall and he can’t hold back the wave of sadness and loneliness that crashes down on him.

 

It feels like a storm inside of him, tearing him down and ripping him apart. It feels like it should be loud and violent. It should boom and break through the earth.

 

In reality, it’s small and quiet. It’s a too small figure in a hospital gown burying his face into his hands, shoulders shaking as he cries alone. Sobs teetering and barely loud enough to hear from across the room.

 

There’s no world ending disaster. The sky isn’t on fire and the ground isn’t splitting.

 

The sky is clear. It pays no attention to Kihyun or his broken marriage.

 

He’s not sure if it hurts more or less that Minhyuk wasn’t cheating on him. Logic says less, but if he was cheating then at least Kihyun could be angry, feel more than this crushing sadness in his bones. Kihyun would have someone to blame, someone he could point a finger at and say they stole Minhyuk’s love but-

 

Minhyuk didn’t cheat. Minhyuk just didn’t love Kihyun anymore because… because he’s Kihyun.

 

He wishes he had an answer. What he did wrong, what he should fix, _why he’s broken-_

 

He cries because he couldn’t keep the one person he loved the most from leaving him.

 

Minhyuk sits awkwardly in his hospital chair, clearly not knowing whether he should reach out or let Kihyun have his space.

 

If he was still the Minhyuk that Kihyun married, he would have reached out. He would have instantly been at his side, quietly shushing him and pulling him into his chest because he knows that Kihyun hates crying, so if he’s doing it and can’t stop, then something is _really_ wrong.

 

This Minhyuk seems to think that giving Kihyun his space will solve his problem. Like it will make the flowers stop growing into his lungs and breaking his bones.

 

In reality all it does is make Kihyun break for the Minhyuk he loves, and cry that he’s not the man that’s a few feet away shifting uncomfortably in the hospital chair. It makes him ache more for the arms that aren’t around him.

 

Kihyun realizes that maybe Minhyuk was right.

 

Minhyuk is only three feet away from Kihyun, but it feels like it’s miles.

 

Maybe, they are broken.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if you want to yell at me for all the pain i cause you can find me on twitter @lostnthedream 
> 
> or leave a comment pls! i love hearing what you guys think <333


	4. Stage 4

_The fading sunlight filters through Minhyuk’s window, lighting the room in golden haze and Kihyun feels drunk on Minhyuk’s lips exploring his body, drawing out gasps and whimpers from his lips as he kisses bruises on Kihyun’s soft skin. Hands sneak under the large baggy shirt Kihyun is wearing and he moves up, breathing on Kihyun’s neck._

 

_“Baby,” Minhyuk whispers into his skin. “Have I told you that I could see myself spending forever with you?”_

 

_Kihyun’s eyes flutter open, breath hitching as Minhyuk kisses and scrapes his teeth by Kihyun’s ear._

 

_“I mean it. I’ve never felt like this before.” Minhyuk rolls over so he’s on top of the smaller, so close that their noses brush together causing Kihyun to giggle, loving how Minhyuk hovers on top of him. “You’re my forever.”_

 

_“So you’re saying you’ll never get tired of me?” Kihyun smiles, hands reaching around and traveling up Minhyuk’s back._

 

_Minhyuk looks down at him, soft smile on his face and Kihyun feels treasured, like maybe Minhyuk’s seeing in their future and he’s seeing how happy they are._

 

_“How could I ever get tired of you?” Minhyuk presses a kiss to Kihyun lips. He pulls back slightly and Kihyun knows that this is what love feels like - bubbly golden champagne sparkling in his chest, making him warm from head to toe and he never wants it to end. “I can see it, Ki. I can see it so clearly.”_

 

_“Yeah?” Kihyun breathes, and exhilaration races up his spine, wondering if Minhyuk’s going where he thinks he’s going._

 

_“If I asked you to marry me, would you say yes?”_

 

_“I would,” he chokes, the happiest smile spreading across his face. A bright laugh bursts from his chest. “Of course, I would.”_

 

~

 

After seeing the ER doctors and running him through some tests Kihyun is admitted into the hospital overnight, told that they’ll have a specialist stop by within the next twenty-four hours. He feels wrung out. Exhausted. He wants to just close his eyes and never have to wake up.

 

“Can I call anyone?” Minhyuk suddenly asks, startling him from his haze. “Do you want someone to be here that’s… that’s not me?”

 

Kihyun sniffs, glancing over at his husband. He’s perched on one of the seats by Kihyun’s hospital bed, half off the seat. Something about the way he’s sitting reminds Kihyun of a scared animal, three seconds away from bolting.

 

He looks up at the ceiling, eyes sore against the fluorescent lighting.

 

“Hyunwoo,” he answers softly, thinking about how much he craves the solid presence of his best friend next to him. Hyunwoo would take care of him, even if Minhyuk won’t.

 

Minhyuk nods, pulling out his phone and moving to step outside the door into the hall. He seems almost relieved to have a reason to step away from Kihyun’s bedside. Kihyun tries not to think about it too much, his chest already hurts enough. He watches through the open blinds on the window next to the door as Minhyuk nervously twitches and paces back forth as the dial goes.

 

He sees him stop. Hyunwoo must have picked up. Minhyuk’s lips move. Rapidly. He does that when he’s nervous. Or guilty. Right now he’s probably a mix of both.

 

Minhyuk’s eyes flicker back at him, but immediately drops his gaze when he stares back, like Kihyun lying in a hospital bed is too much for him to take in all at once.

 

Minhyuk talks for a second more before he pulls the phone away from his ear and pockets it. Kihyun sees the hesitation to come back in the room and it’s then that Kihyun knows. He’s not coming back in.

 

Minhyuk is gone from his view in a blink and something in Kihyun tears a little deeper as Kihyun stares at the empty space where Minhyuk once stood and then at the empty chair that he once sat in.

 

His eyes screamed apologies when he looked at him, but Kihyun only feels his absence, not his regret.

 

He watches through the windows as occasional nurses and interns bustle by in the hallway, the pain in his chest almost at a constant hum. He feels his wedding ring on his finger and it feels heavy than usual, that it’s become more of a burden now than a blessing. He wonders if Minhyuk feels the same way. Probably.

 

He briefly wonders how long Minhyuk’s probably felt that way, but decides he doesn’t really want an answer. The flower petals are a big enough hint that Minhyuk’s been drifting away from him. Drifting for too long.

 

He knows that the only cure is surgery. He’s seen the research online. He also knows that the surgery will take away everything that he holds dear to his life. That it’ll take away the one thing that he’s never wanted to give up.

 

It feels like giving up. He doesn’t want to give Minhyuk up. Is that selfish of him?

 

He’s scared of what his life would be without Minhyuk. For years he’s been his reason for nearly everything he’s done. Minhyuk is his center foundation. What is going to do with that suddenly being removed?

 

Who would he be if doesn’t even care about him? Would life be even worth living if he couldn’t spend it with Minhyuk?

 

He’d been planning that for the rest of his life. He thought he had his future set, spent side by side with his husband, hands held tight.

 

What would he do if Minhyuk told him to let go?

 

“Kihyun!” A large familiar frame catches his attention and he’s snapped out of his pained daze and spiral questions.

 

Hyunwoo rushes through the door, immediately pulling a chair up to his bedside. He looks somewhat disheveled like he ran out the door without even bothering to check his appearance, but Kihyun figures he probably looks worse. “Where’s Minhyuk? He sounded really flustered on the phone, I didn’t understand what’s happening.”

 

Kihyun stares at him for a moment. “I-I don’t know… I don’t know where he went.”

 

Hyunwoo grabs his hand, rubbing his thumb back and forth. “Then what’s going on? Are you okay?”

 

Shaking his head, Kihyun begins to feel the aching expand in his chest and his eyes water, pain lining his expression. _Oh god, how the hell do you tell your best friend that you’re dying?_

 

“I-” Kihyun tries to start, but a half sob nearly breaks through instead. He clenches his eyes shut, free hand coming up to cover his face. Fear chokes down every word, leaving him trembling. He doesn’t know what he’s going to do.

 

“Kihyun, you’re scaring me,” Hyunwoo whispers, reaching up and pulling away at his hand.

 

Kihyun meets Hyunwoo’s eyes, and he wonders if he can see how truly terrified he is. “Do you know what Hanahaki Disease is?”

 

Confusion, then _knowing_.

 

~~

 

Despite the shocking news, Hyunwoo is a blessed sturdy presence at his side, almost enough to distract his brain from Minhyuk’s glaring absence.

 

He blissfully asks few questions, just making sure Kihyun is comfortable and that he has enough food and water. He quietly cares for him and it’s enough to relax Kihyun enough for him to get a couple of hours of rest in between nurses coming in and out to check his vitals.

 

Hyunwoo only leaves his side when the specialist comes knocking at his door for his promised consultation, squeezing his hand and promising that he’ll just be outside.

 

The doctor is a few inches shorter than he is, long black hair swept up in a ponytail, white lab coat proudly stating her title above the pocket. _Hanahaki specialist._ She stands at his bedside, hand extended out towards him. “Mr. Lee? Hello, I’m Dr. Chan, and I’ll be in charge of your further treatment during your stay.”

 

“Yes, nice to meet you,” Kihyun gives a bleak smile, reaching out to shake her hand, briefly adjusting the sheets that cover his legs. “And please, just call me Kihyun.” Hearing the name Minhyuk gifted sits heavy in his chest, close to crushing him.

 

“Okay, Kihyun,” she corrects, taking Hyunwoo’s chair by his bedside.

 

She takes a deep breath, opening up the file on her clipboard. “Alright, so I took a look at your CT scan and I’m categorizing your condition as stage three, meaning it’s very much progressed, but none of the flowers are fully bloomed or large enough to be considered stage four. I need to warn you however, that medically there just isn’t a lot of options for Hanahaki Disease. Considering the nature, treatment can either depend on therapy, if you want to go down that route, or there is the surgical option.”

 

“Therapy?”

 

“Yes, although I usually only recommend this to patients who are only in the early stages, but to fully be able to consult you to the best of my ability I need you to walk me through your experience.”

 

“You want to know everything?” Kihyun asks.

 

“Anything you can tell me,” she says, leaning forward ready to take notes.

 

Kihyun sits there for a moment. Everything sounds tiring. His head aches and struggles to put all the pieces together, not knowing where to begin.

 

“Let’s start with some basics,” she says, taking some initiative. “How about I ask a few questions to get you started?”

 

He nods. Yes, that would probably help.

 

“Well, there is the start of this all,” she sighs, leaning forward on her arms, looking at him earnestly. “Who are you in love with?”

 

Kihyun looks down, swallowing against the pain in his chest. “My husband. Lee Minhyuk.”

 

That makes her freeze, pen freezing on her page of notes. “Your husband?”

 

Kihyun nods. She writes something else down, but urges him to continue, beginning to walk through his case with him. As the story unfolds the look on her face becomes gentler. Once he’s caught up to the present he falls quiet, replaying the moment in his head where Minhyuk saw the flowers fall from his lips for the first time.

 

“Kihyun, how long have you been with your husband?

 

“Over five years,” Kihyun answers, brushing his thumb on his wedding ring. “We dated for two and have been married for three.”

 

“And your symptoms only started showing a few months ago,” she reads, looking at her notes.

 

“Yeah, about three months ago, I suppose. That’s when I noticed my chest hurting.”

 

She hums, nodding along.

 

“Kihyun, your case is… different.” She pauses, like she’s carefully trying to choose her words. “In all of my experience, all my cases have been unrequited love from the standpoint that the one in love has never received any kind of reciprocation of feelings, but you on the other hand…” She shakes her head, biting the end of her pen lightly. “This isn’t just unrequited love, this is falling _out_ of love.”

 

Kihyun feels any hope start leaking from his chest. “I don’t suppose feelings can change, can they?”

 

“It’s not impossible, but these kind of things take time,” Dr. Chan says. She looks at the container that’s to the side of his bed, red flowers that he keeps coughing up fill up at least half on it. “With your current condition, I’d say that it’s time you definitely don’t have.”

 

Kihyun swallows, looking up at her.

 

“So what are my options?”

 

~~~

 

Hyunwoo drives Kihyun home that night, freshly discharged from the hospital.

 

“So are you going to get the surgery?” Hyunwoo asks, glancing over at Kihyun. Kihyun sighs staring out the window onto the traffic.

 

“I don’t know,” he says. Dr. Chan prescribed him pills that were supposed to slow down growth of the flowers. She stressed this as a short term option. He couldn’t stay on them long. “I’m just gonna take the pills that they gave me and think about it.”

 

Hyunwoo doesn’t say anything and Kihyun knows he’s not satisfied with his response, but Kihyun’s too tired to think about it. Kihyun closes his eyes and rests his head against the window, exhaustion numbing his mind.

 

Letting the sound of the soft rain hitting the car wash over him he barely realizes that Hyunwoo’s pulled up to his small house until he’s turned the car off and opened the door. Kihyun slowly gets out and sees that there aren’t any lights on inside their windows. Minhyuk probably isn’t even home.

 

Hyunwoo follows him inside. Besides Hyunwoo sighing when he also realizes that Minhyuk isn’t in the house, they barely say anything to each other, but it’s a comfortable silence. They’re both tired and Kihyun’s done with talking for now. The hospital means explaining yourself over and over again, an exhausting cycle of being vulnerable to strangers repeatedly.

 

Not to mention talking involves more breathing and even taking small breaths is starting to send little needles of pain shooting out from his chest with each inhale.

 

He leaves Hyunwoo to forage in the pantry while he slips into the bedroom, then bathroom. He takes a hot shower, the water blissfully burns against his tired body. His skin is flushed and sensitive as he puts on clothes that mercifully aren’t hospital mandated, a baggy t-shirt and sleep shorts.

 

He exits the bathroom and sees their unmade bed. The sheets are still rumpled and the covered are thrown to the side, the same as he left it. It’s enough proof that Minhyuk didn’t even sleep here when he came by the to get his things.

 

He sees a drawer partially closed with some clothes missing. His toothbrush and cologne were absent from the bathroom counter. He was probably only here for a few brief moments before he disappeared.

 

The red flower petals are missing though. Like the sight reminded Minhyuk of everything he wasn’t ready to face right now and he couldn’t stand the sight of them.

 

Quietly, Kihyun strips the bed and throws the dirty sheets in the hamper, vowing to do laundry in the morning. He looks back at the bare mattress and feels cold. Lonely.

 

He slips out of the bedroom and finds Hyunwoo crashed on the couch, long limbs spilling off the side. He knows he’s not ready to sleep in his bed right now. He pads barefoot over to the older, sitting on the edge of the couch. Hesitantly, he nudges Hyunwoo’s arm, biting his lip. Hyunwoo grumbles something, adjusting slightly half asleep.

 

“Woo-ah,” Kihyun says softly, pushing him again. Hyunwoo’s eyes flicker open, adjusting to the dim light casting from the streetlight through the window.

 

“Can I…” Kihyun trails off, pulling at Hyunwoo’s arm. Hyunwoo hums, shifting to accommodate the smaller. Kihyun adjusts, lying down next to Hyunwoo, his back pressed to his firm chest. Hyunwoo’s arm comes around Kihyun’s small waist and pulls him in closer, other arm sneaking under his head to give him something to rest it on.

 

“Just like old times?” Hyunwoo’s voice is deep and soft against Kihyun’s neck.

 

He swallows against the pain in his chest and tucks his chin in. “Yeah,” he whispers.

 

Hyunwoo shifts behind him and Kihyun feels the other’s face in his hair pressing a light kiss against his head. “Sleep, Kihyun-ah,” he murmurs and Kihyun does.

 

~~~

 

“Peppermint hot chocolate,” Kihyun calls out, hoping his weak voice carries across the busy cafe. He places the large mug on the pick up counter, turning to clean up his station.

 

He has to lean against the counter for a moment to catch his breath, small tasks leaving him slightly breathless, black blurring at the edges of his vision. _You’re fine_ , he calms himself, slowly inhaling, trying not to wince at the burn in his lungs.

 

“Order!” Jooheon calls from the register lining up several cups as he turns to tend to the small line, forming by the front. Sighing, Kihyun comes over and begins working through them, trying to ignore the way his hand shakes as he pours creamer into the cup.

 

Something’s wrong today. More than usual that is. He doesn’t normal shake this bad or lose his balance just walking around.

 

It happens though. That’s why Hyunwoo’s been on his back about moving in with him, saying that he can’t trust Minhyuk to keep an eye on him. Minhyuk still hasn’t even come home. He can’t help but hear Hyunwoo’s concerned voice in his head as he moves to the next order, trying to focus, reading the abbreviation for a chai tea on the cup

 

_“What happens if you’re alone and something goes wrong? And you can’t help yourself? What then?”_

 

Apparently he won’t have to worry about being alone when something goes horribly wrong. His head aches and he honestly feels sick, the usual leafy scent of tea making his stomach churn nauseously.

 

He swallows trying to keep himself focused on his tasks, cleaning the counters, smiling at customers, blending some drinks, steaming the milk...

 

He’s putting the orders on the bar when his head whirls and he turns away, not having the strength to call them out.

 

Something was _really_ wrong.

 

He clenches his eyes shut as a wave of stinging needles washes across his chest, taking his breathe away and leaving him hunched, gritting his teeth.

 

“Kihyun?”

 

“Hyung, you are you okay?”

 

He turns away from the voices, whimpering and unable to stop himself from hunching over more as the pain suddenly intensifies. His fingers grip the edge of the counter and he suddenly feels hands covering his own, pulling him up and taking him to the back.

 

He groans in pain, trying to focus his vision when he opens his eyes, his coworker Seokjin pushing him down in a chair by the break table.

 

Bringing his face immediately into his hands, he tries to hold back his coughs, breathing harshly into his palms despite the pain that burns through him with each breath.

 

“Just breathe through it, it’s okay,” he hears and it’s nearly soothing, a hand rubbing his shoulder kindly.

 

He feels his hands shaking and a sweat breaking out on his forehead. “I’m sorry,” he whispers, nearly wheezing.

 

“Hey, hey, no talking right now, it’s okay.” He feels the hand leave his shoulder and like that was the only thing holding him up he slumps forward more, trying now not to cry about how humiliating this is. Hyunwoo was right, he couldn’t even take care of himself.

 

Seokjin’s hand is back pushing him to sit up and he does, blinking up as the other puts a damp paper towel up to his forehead, brushing away at this bangs.

 

“You should go to the doctor,” he says quietly, and Kihyun feels a knot beginning in this throat because he knows that the doctor isn’t going to do him any good.

 

He doesn’t say anything however, letting Seokjin quietly fuss around him and bring him some water.

 

“Thank you” Kihyun tells him when he finally seems to catch his breath. He tries his best to even smile.

 

“You okay, now? No more of whatever that was?” Seokjin raises an eyebrow, eyeing him.

 

He nods, pushing to stand up. One second he has his feet on the ground and the next he’s falling and everything is black.

 

~~~

 

Minhyuk is sitting beside him as he wakes up. Kihyun blinks, wondering if he’s hallucinating.

 

“What are you doing here?” he says, voice barely loud enough over the steady hum of the machines.

 

Minhyuk meets his eyes, ringing his hands together. “I’m your emergency contact.”

 

Kihyun blinks. He knows that of course, but suddenly seeing Minhyuk after no messages about where he’s been sparks a disbelief in Kihyun that he’s never had in Minhyuk before.

 

“You still came,” he says, pushing to sit himself up.

 

“Of _course_ , I still came, I got a call that you were in critical condition! Kihyun, what-” Minhyuk stops, hands coming up to his face like he’s trying to rub away the bags under his eyes.

 

Critical condition. Kihyun wonders if that’s only the reason Minhyuk is here. The guilt of putting his husband in a hospital bed.  

 

“You passed out at work. They said your manager called the ambulance,” Minhyuk says, fiddling his fingers.

 

“Why haven’t you come home? Where were you?” Kihyun asks, watching Minhyuk’s visible swallow.

 

“I’ve been staying at a co-worker’s place, I’m sorry.” He puts his head in his hands, sighing. “I should have told you.”

 

Kihyun doesn’t say anything in response. Or _course_ he should have told him. Kihyun’s mind has been running wild with possibilities of where he could’ve been and why he wasn’t home when all of this was happening. Had he really left him? For good?

 

“Hyunwoo’s been trying to get me to move in with him for now. He says that I shouldn’t be alone.”

 

“Shouldn’t be alone,” Minhyuk repeats. A small, broken laugh comes from his chest. “Shouldn’t be alone until what, Kihyun? Until you _die_?”

 

Kihyun says nothing, looking down at the white sheets.

 

“Oh my god,” Minhyuk breathes at his telling silence. “Kihyun, please I-I-”

 

Minhyuk stutters to a stop - the air thick and tense.

 

“Look,” he says, suddenly grabbing Kihyun’s hand, making him look up. Minhyuk’s eyes are wet and glistening. “I-I know that things are… different between us, but I _never_ wanted this. Okay?”

 

Kihyun stares back, lump building in his throat.

 

“Kihyun, please,” Minhyuk begs, wide eyes pleading. “Please, get the surgery.”

 

“Please, don’t do this.” Kihyun closes his eyes, voice weak and straining. “Don’t tell me to give up. Not you.”

 

“This isn’t giving up,” Minhyuk argues, voice tense and shaking. “What _you’re_ doing is giving up. You’re giving up your life.”

 

Kihyun shakes his head. “No,” he mutters. “No, no, no.”

 

“Then was is it you’re doing here, Ki?” Minhyuk’s voice pitches up, taking on an angered tone, gesturing to him in the hospital bed. “What the hell are you thinking?”

 

“What I’m doing is trying to save us!” Kihyun snaps back. “How can you ask me to _not_ do that?” A tear slips from his eye and he frustratedly wipes is away. “How can you ask me to take this away? You don’t even want to try to fix this?”

 

“Because you’re going to _die_. We don’t have time to fix it. Ki, I will beg until my voice can no longer function, _please_ don’t choose to die for me.”

 

“It was till death do us part,” Kihyun responds, looking away just as he sees the devastation  washes over Minhyuk’s face. The thought of their wedding vows makes his throat tighten painfully.

 

The comment seems to make Minhyuk stop in his tracks, silence filling the space between them.

 

“Did I ever matter you at all?” Kihyun whispers, looking up at Minhyuk. The other looks like he’s going to be sick, face pale and hands shaking.

 

“Of course you did,” Minhyuk breathes, eyebrows furrowed disbelief stare back at him. “I mean do, I- Kihyun, I obviously still care about you-”

 

“Yeah, the disappearing act really showed me how much you care, Minhyuk.” Kihyun cuts him off bitterly.

 

“I know,” Minhyuk says apologies written all over his face.  

 

“Just please, don’t do this,” Minhyuk whispers, tears finally spilling over, reaching over to grab onto Kihyun’s hands. “Please, Kihyunnie, please.”

 

“I’m sorry,” Kihyun whispers, and Minhyuk grips his hands harder bowing his head like he doesn’t want Kihyun to see his tears. “I know that you… that you don’t feel this way anymore,” Kihyun stumbles through his words, voice cracking, because they hurt his chest so bad - to admit it all out loud. “...but Min, it’s still beautiful.”

 

Minhyuk shakes, lifting his head. “If it’s killing you, it’s not beautiful.”

 

Kihyun stares at Minhyuk, his eyes red and puffy, and he can’t help but think, _then you must not be beautiful_.

  
  


~~~

 

Hyunwoo comes to pick him up from the hospital bearing a solemn presence. He’s tense and barely looks at Kihyun as he opens his car door for him, shutting it behind and walking to the other side.

 

The ride is silent as they drive away from the tall building. This drive is becoming too familiar to him.

 

“He’s right, you know.” Hyunwoo says when their stopped at a light. His hands clench the steering wheel tightly. “You need the surgery, Ki.”

 

Hyunwoo glances at him and Kihyun looks down, not wanting to meet his eyes.

 

“You know that I’d never tell you what to do, okay,” Hyunwoo continues, “but I can’t watch this silently anymore. You’re wasting away - in and out of hospital rooms. I need to say this once, because it’d kill me if I knew that I sat there silently while you killed yourself.”

 

Kihyun closes his eyes and looks out the window. _Stage four_ , they said. He doesn't even know how much time he has left.

 

A harsh cough suddenly stops him before he can even say anything back to him and he can’t stop himself from leaning over, his whole body shuddering under the force of them. A few small flowers cough up, but he can’t stop, no matter how hard he tries to stop it down in his chest. They violently tear at his lungs and force things up his throat that get stuck and leave him choking.

 

He hears Hyunwoo calling his name, shaking his shoulders, and panic ignites inside of him and he claws at his chest, realizing he’s actually choking. This flower is stuck in his throat. Suddenly the car is pulled to the side and Hyunwoo’s on his side of the car, opening the door, pulling him forward and pounding his back.

 

The large flower that was choking him, finally dislodges from his throat falling onto the side of the road as he slumps forward gasping into Hyunwoo’s chest, tears rolling down his cheeks.

 

Hyunwoo’s arms come around and rock him back and forth, stroking his back.

 

“Kihyun, I don’t understand, do you want to die?” Hyunwoo asks roughly into his shoulder, and Kihyun sobs, shaking his head.

 

“No,” he whimpers, tears wetting Hyunwoo’s shirt. “I don’t want to die.”

 

Hyunwoo pushes him back so he’s staring him in the face, seeing the anguish on his face. “All that you’re giving him? He’s not worth it. He deserves none of this.” Hyunwoo’s voice is so desperate that it’s almost angry. It shocks Kihyun because Hyunwoo never gets angry. Ever.

 

“You have to get the surgery, Kihyun. You need it. If you don’t get it soon…”

 

Kihyun notices how the older cuts off like he’s too afraid to continue.

 

“Don’t you know how hard this is to see you like this? Ki…” A tear slips from Hyunwoo’s eye. “Please, don’t make me watch you die. Please.”

 

Kihyun pulls Hyunwoo’s head into his neck, fingers curling through his dark hair. The older softly cries into his neck and Kihyun gently soothes him.

 

“I’m sorry, hyung” he murmurs, stroking through his hair.

 

Hyunwoo shakes his head against his shoulder. “Don’t be sorry. Just don’t die.” He breathes wetly against Kihyun’s neck. “Just please don’t die.”

 

“I just never thought,” Kihyun starts, voice thick, “that it would end like this, you know?”

 

“Not end.” Hyunwoo sniffs, lifting his head. “It’ll be hard, but nothing’s going to end. We can still fix this, okay?”

 

How? How can they fix this? Kihyun’s lip trembles because none of this seems fixable at all. How can fixing it be giving up everything?

 

Hyunwoo pulls him in once more and Kihyun falls pliant against him, briefly thinking what it would feel like to not hurt every time he takes a breath. “We can fix this?”

 

Hyunwoo lets out a wet laugh, arms tightening around Kihyun tightening. “We can fix this.”

 

Kihyun wonders if what he’s about to commit to will still feel like the equivalent of dying. To have Minhyuk ripped from him like he’s a disease.

 

When they got married, Minhyuk promised him forever. Kihyun held onto his hands and swore him the same.

 

But forever means nothing when blood red sunflowers fall from his mouth.

 

“Okay,” he whispers, clinging onto Hyunwoo’s shoulders. “Okay, I’ll do it.”

  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> only the epilogue is left guys! thank you sm for sticking around for this update, i was so slow, i'm so sorry. (most of the epilogue is written though, so it'll be out soon!) please let me know what you think in the comments! maybe your favorite part or the saddest part... thank you and i hope i hear from you <3
> 
>  
> 
> twitter/cc: @lostnthedream


	5. Treatment

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Patient: Kihyun Lee
> 
> Birthday: November 22, 1993
> 
> Diagnosis: Hanahaki Disease (Stage IV)
> 
> Procedure: Complete Hanahaki extraction, performed under general anesthesia
> 
> Estimated time: 5 - 8 hours
> 
> Recovery time: 2-3 hours in recovery room and overnight observation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you all who've stuck with me through this. ily <3

“Minhyuk said that they’re making him fill out a guest pass, he’ll be in soon.” Hyunwoo looks up from reading the text message on his phone, meeting Kihyun’s eyes.

 

Kihyun fists his fingers into the hospital bed sheets. He only has a few minutes left. A few more minutes before his life with Minhyuk becomes the past that he only ever wanted to be his future.

 

“It’ll be okay, Ki,” Hyunwoo comforts, walking up to him and rubbing his shoulder. “We’ll be fine.”

 

The variation of that sentence has left Hyunwoo’s mouth at least a hundred times in the past few days in the midst of scheduling and prepping for the surgery. He won’t say it isn’t comforting.

 

Minhyuk’s reaction to the news… Thrilled is too cruel. And probably incorrect. Relieved is better. Relieved he wouldn’t have Kihyun’s grave laden on his conscious, relieved that his husband wasn’t going to die for him when he could do nothing to stop it. He heard crying on the end of line when Hyunwoo called him and told him. Kihyun couldn’t bring himself do it. It still felt so wrong. So, _so_ wrong.

 

“I want to talk to him alone,” Kihyun says, looking up at the older.

 

Hyunwoo nods and right on sickening cue, Minhyuk’s dark head peeks around the curtain. “Ki,” he breathes, eyes falling on Kihyun’s small body on his hospital bed.

 

Hyunwoo gives his shoulder a final squeeze, looking back down at him. “I’ll see you when you wake up,” he says, barely brushing a hand against Kihyun’s hair, trying to give him a comforting smile.

 

Kihyun swallows and nods, then watches Hyunwoo slip past Minhyuk and out of room. Minhyuk stands awkwardly in front of him and Kihyun suddenly unguarded without Hyunwoo standing at his side.

 

“I’m sorry,” Minhyuk chokes out. “I’m sorry and I can’t say it enough, but I’ll stop because I know it doesn’t even mean anything. That I can’t take any of this back.”

 

Minhyuk looks like he wants to step closer, but keeps his distance.

 

He tips his face up as he blinks up at the ceiling for a moment before looking back at Kihyun. Kihyun looks back trying not to choke from the feeling of a fist tight clamped around his throat.

 

“You deserve so much, Ki. So much more than the shit that I’ve been treating you like these last few months. You didn’t deserve that. No one does.” his eyes scan down Kihyun’s body.

 

“It’s no excuse, but I just felt so guilty that I couldn’t be around without feeling like a complete piece of shit, knowing that I had done this to you.” Minhyuk sniffs, blinking up at the ceiling. “I’m so thankful you had Hyunwoo. He’s been better to you than I’ve been… I’ve been so pathetic.”

 

Kihyun can’t bring himself to say anything to negate Minhyuk’s confession. Those last few weeks he’d never felt more abandoned, more alone. He looks down at his hands, trying to will the fist in his throat to loosen it’s hold, want to speak.

 

“I never thought that it would come to this.” His voice sounds on the edge of breaking, feeble and shaky.

 

The seconds are running out and he knows that he’ll be taken back to the surgical room any moment now. He’s tired of Minhyuk’s distance, and the thought of spending their last few moments apart almost breaks him.

 

“Min,” he cries, finally breaking, and the name is enough for Minhyuk to know to come running to his side.

 

“I’m sorry,” he sobs. Minhyuk shakes his head, pulling him in for a final embrace.

 

“No, Kihyun, it’s okay.” Minhyuk’s words are soft against Kihyun’s hair and Kihyun’s chest is on fire, tears slipping from his eyes. “I’m sorry. I’m the one who’s sorry.”

 

He feels Minhyuk’s warmth against him and he _tries_ to imagine what the next part of his life will feel like. How it will feel to not love Minhyuk.

 

It already hurts, but the thought makes his chest twist horribly and he has to choke down a gasp. He immediately stops trying to think about it, and he’s the one that pulls back to stare into his husband’s eyes.

 

Minhyuk looks at him emotion layered in his eyes and Kihyun savors it. The cracking in his chest, the way his heart beats as he looks at the man sitting in front of him.

 

“Min, I’m scared,” he whispers, clinging to his husband’s hand, terrified to let go. Because once he does that’s it. They take him away and then take Minhyuk away.

 

“I know,” Minhyuk says back, gripping his hand, rubbing his thumb over Kihyun’s. “But everything is going to be okay, Hyunnie.”

 

 _How?_ Kihyun closes his eyes and rest his head against Minhyuk’s shoulder, trying to commit the feeling to memory.

 

“Remember our wedding?” Kihyun sniffs. “You were so handsome.”

 

“I remember.” Minhyuk promises, nodding and clinging to Kihyun’s hand. “That was one of the happiest days of my life, Ki. I’d never forget it.”

 

As if on sickening cue, the curtain slides open and the surgical team comes into retrieve him, unhooking the wires in his arms and adjusting the IV drip. He curls further into Minhyuk for the last time. This really is the end. “Ready Kihyun?”

 

He nods, his mouth feeling desert dry all of a sudden. Minhyuk squeezes his hand before pulling away to let the nurses to their job.

 

“I’ll be waiting with Hyunwoo for when you get out,” he says as Kihyun’s being rolled away to surgery. Kihyun tries to look behind him, to him a final time but only catches a brief glimpse of his wild dark hair before they round the corner. Trying to not to let the emotions in his chest overwhelm him he lays back, clenching his eyes closed for a moment, letting the nurses roll his bed into the surgical room.

 

The rest happens too quickly, no time for him to process the words suddenly being thrown at him as the procedure is once again explained to him. He just nods, letting more things be attached to his arms and then it’s time to knock him out. The anestesia is now being attached to his IV and it only takes him a few moments to feel the lulling effects. The pain that surrounds him suddenly starts to feel far away and his head falls to the side, darkness pulling at him.

 

Before he even knows it, he’s gone.

 

~~~

 

_He dreams of their honeymoon while he’s under - of him lying in the bed with soft sheets brushing his bare skin. He looks to over to Minhyuk who’s right beside him, lying on his side, beautiful sharp eyes watching him._

 

_Minhyuk’s hand reaches out and gently strokes Kihyun’s cheek and feels cold against his chin._

 

_Minhyuk leans his head in closer and his lips barely brush over Kihyun’s, hovering gently like he’s about to dive in and take - take everything all at once._

 

_And that’s when the colors start to fade._

 

_He watches the rich brown of Minhyuk’s eyes fade to stone grey. His honey skin stops glowing in the golden light and his pink lips lose their color, everything becoming monotone before him._

 

_Minhyuk’s presence lingers before him, but his warmth is gone, no longer comforting against Kihyun’s bare skin._

 

_Kihyun lets his eyes flutter shut, lets Minhyuk’s cold hands trace over his skin, lets Minhyuk’s thin lips press against his own_

 

_The chilling ghost of Minhyuk’s breath is the last thing Kihyun feels as his skin breaks apart and dissolves into darkness and this… this is what dying feels like._

 

~

 

Kihyun’s eyes slowly inch open, fighting against the pressing darkness that lurks on the edges of his mind.

 

Hyunwoo is there holding his hand as he groggily looks around next to him. Minhyuk is next to Hyunwoo, watching him. His mouth is moving, but Kihyun’s head feels waterlogged and heavy, sounds registering as muffled and indecipherable.

 

The pain in his chest has dulled to a distant ache. It’s different now too. He knows that the pain is from the long surgical scar on his chest, not from invasive flowers tearing his insides apart. He feels empty. He feels light.

 

He mumbles something that comes out slurred and he sees the two lean in. His brain seems to focus the smallest bit more as he’s starring Minhyuk in the eyes, repeating his words in a soft whisper.

 

“This is what you feel when you look at me.”

 

Minhyuk freezes and in the back of his mind Kihyun knows that the tension in the room has spiked, but he can’t bring himself to care.

 

He looks at Minhyuk and sees what everyone else sees. He sees a man who has moved on. He sees bags under tired eyes, messy hair, hands that are twitching anxiously.

 

He looks at Minhyuk and he isn’t instantly consumed by him. There’s no relief in breathing or desperation that overtakes him when he sees the other. Just… stillness.

 

This was the feeling that Kihyun couldn’t even imagine just hours ago. To look at Minhyuk and feel… nothing.

 

Nothing feels okay for once.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> despite the pain, i hope you all enjoyed the journey. please let me know what you thought! i know it's not the happy ending that some people hoped for, but still. i hope you stick around for my next fic and maybe... do i dare say the word sequel? haha
> 
> [twitter](https://twitter.com/lostnthedream) // [cc](https://curiouscat.me/lostnthedream)
> 
>  

**Author's Note:**

> (I'm so sorry to kihyuk my poor babies why did I do this to you...)
> 
> Please let me know your thoughts in the comments! Subscribe for the next update :)
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> come yell at me on twitter: @lostnthedream


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